


i hope you die (i hope we both die)

by impala67 (alex_marie1324)



Series: songfics [27]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, No Children - The Mountain Goats, Only Kind of - Freeform, Sad, Songfic, Unhealthy Castiel/Dean Winchester, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, hello naughty children it’s crying time, the only difference between this au & canon is that Dean & Cas are together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:42:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24364507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alex_marie1324/pseuds/impala67
Summary: and i hope when you think of me years down the lineyou can't find one good thing to sayIt was always a contest between them. Who could do the stupider thing, who could be more upset about it. Who could push the blame in the most effective way. It was always a game.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: songfics [27]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/820947
Kudos: 4





	i hope you die (i hope we both die)

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this song
> 
> No one can convince me that canon universe destiel is healthy. I love destiel as much as the next guy, but it is so, so unhealthy. So when I heard this song I just... had to. Enjoy.

_i hope that our few remaining friends_  
_give up on trying to save us_  
_i hope we come out with a fail-safe plot_  
_to piss off the dumb few that forgave us_

It was no big secret that what Dean and Castiel had was _complicated_ to say the least. They’d fight, constantly, angry tears and hitting tables. But then they’d be loving; sweet, gentle kisses and smiles.

Castiel had no frame of reference for what human relationships were like. But he had a feeling this wasn’t it, they weren’t supposed to be constantly playing the blame game.

The way the others responded to their turmoil was also telling. Sam always acted awkwardly when he was caught in the middle of one of Cas and Dean’s arguments, doing his best to calm the situation down. He would clear his throat, mention a possible case even if there really wasn’t one.

A bitter, tired part of Castiel wished Sam would give up trying. He wished that he and Dean could just have screaming matches for hours. He wished they could keep going, passing the blame for any given situation back and forth. Maybe eventually they’d be able to find a middle ground if they had the opportunity to really get it all out.

_i hope the fences we mended_  
_fall down beneath their own weight_

That wasn’t to say there weren’t good moments.

The Winchesters were many things, but their most important trait was _devotion_. They were loyal to a fault; staying by the side of anyone they considered family. And Castiel had been brought into that fold. He was family.

That meant he always had a soft place to land after anything happened. When he lost his grace, when he lost his _wings_. He had someone to fall back on, always. And Dean never complained about being there for Castiel. He had no complaints about holding Cas, assuring him he was still important even without his powers.

Though sometimes that was a curse, too.

Sometimes that loyalty led Dean to pursue stupid choices, to follow Castiel where he shouldn’t. It was frustrating. He could never make Dean see why he didn’t constantly need his help. He was an _angel_ , for Christ’s sake, he could handle himself.

_and i hope we hang on past the last exit_  
_i hope it's already too late_

He often felt like any opportunity to escape this endless loop of fighting and making up had long since passed them by. He could’ve stayed in Heaven after rescuing Dean from Hell. No one forced him to be the one who stayed on Earth. No one forced him to stay with the Winchesters.

Except now, he couldn’t leave. Not without any explanation, or reason, or promise to come back. It was all too intertwined. If Castiel simply left, disappeared, as he had tried to do before- after Jack accidentally killed Mary- Sam would still try to call him. Dean would still pray to him. Even though Dean Winchester never said sorry, he always had a million other words he felt the need to tell Castiel after the angel had taken his leave.

And he wasn’t sure if he even cared that he couldn’t leave.

_i hope the junkyard a few blocks from here_  
_someday burns down_  
_and i hope the rising black smoke carries me far away_  
_and i never come back to this town again_

Maybe there’d be something. Something big, something that Castiel would have to leave for. Something that prevented either of the brothers from trying to get to him after.

He had no idea what could possibly do that. Even when he died, somehow every time he was brought back one way or another.

_in my life, i hope i lie_  
_and tell everyone you were a good wife_

If anyone ever asked, Castiel would say he was happy. But he knew he wasn’t- and ironically, that was what was keeping him alive. The Empty didn’t want him until he had truly found happiness.

He still considered himself the Winchesters’ guardian. He could never separate that angelic instinct to protect from the complex human-like emotions he’d developed over time. So if anyone asked, he was still their protector. He was happy like that.

_and i hope you die_  
_i hope we both die_

The same bitter side of Castiel that wanted to fight for hours also knew this would only truly be over if they were both dead. Sam would have to be out of commission as well, to prevent him from bringing either of them back.

So maybe that dark side of him hoped they’d both die. It would be a simple, clean, and easy way out of the never-ending tortuous dance they did.

_i hope i cut myself shaving tomorrow_  
_i hope it bleeds all day long_

Any minor distraction from the tension between them was a welcome one. Small cases, usually a vampire here and a ghoul there, were a blessing. It also gave a chance for Castiel to feel truly _useful_ again. He could still heal and he had refined his hand-to-hand combat skills after years of being with the Winchesters. He was a useful part of the team.

What he didn’t ever let Dean see was when he was hurt. Especially if it was a minor cut, he sometimes let it go. He didn’t bother spending energy to fix it. He let himself feel it. Feel _something_

_our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises_  
_we’re pretty sure they're all wrong_

Castiel had heard the human phrase ‘it is darkest before the dawn’, but there never seemed to be a dawn for them. There was always something, some larger impending doom. Some bigger issues they were facing, and it only seemed to get darker and darker. There was never a dawn.

_i hope it stays dark forever_  
_i hope the worst isn't over_

And in some weird way, he liked that. It was another distraction, something to think about instead of thinking about how angry Dean might be with him at that moment. It didn’t matter that Dean was mad if the world was ending either way.

So he did find himself hoping they never found peace. The constant battle was engaging, it kept him running and running. He didn’t want to be forced to stop and face reality.

_and i hope you blink before i do_

It was always a contest between them. Who could do the stupider thing, who could be more upset about it. Who could push the blame in the most effective way. It was always a game.

Castiel was determined to win.

_and i hope i never get sober_

Getting drunk wasn’t easy for an angel. But that didn’t mean he didn’t push himself to that point. He’d drink and drink and drink until he started to feel tired. Like a human would.

He wouldn’t have it any other way. This worked for them. They all drank too much and too often.

_and i hope when you think of me years down the line_  
_you can't find one good thing to say_

Dean almost never seems to think positively of Castiel. He’d even said himself- it’s always Castiel’s fault when something goes wrong. It’s always him. It feeds that bitter part of him, making him wish that if he ever did find an eternal rest, Dean wouldn’t change his tune. He hoped that Dean still blamed him, still hated Cas for all his faults, even after he was gone for good.

What a waste it would be if Dean suddenly had nothing but good to say about Castiel when Castiel wasn’t there to hear it.

_and i’d hope that if i found the strength to walk out_  
_you’d stay the hell out of my way_

Castiel knew he’d never be allowed to leave for good. Dean would pray, Sam would call, the urge to go back to the bunker- back _home_ -  
would eat away at him. But maybe there would be a time. A time when he could stand up and walk out without any intervention.

_i am drowning_  
_there is no sign of land_  
_you are coming down with me_  
_hand in unlovable hand_

There was really no end in sight to this toxic life. They were dragging each other down, Castiel knew that. He knew that by holding on, they were doing more damage to each other. They were slowly tearing each other apart, no mercy and no sign of stopping.

But if Castiel was going down this hellish road, he was taking Dean with him.

_and i hope you die  
i hope we both die _

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading. i feed off your sadness.


End file.
